


For us to never fade away

by chlox



Category: American Horror Story, Ratched (TV), The L Word (TV 2004), The L Word: Generation Q (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27030364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chlox/pseuds/chlox
Summary: Jules has been living on her own for almost ten years now, her and Ella had this life changing love story until it exploded.As her life is about to get shattered, she might reconsider spending the rest of it by herself.
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve seen this tweet suggesting that it’d be perfect to see Jennifer Beals and Sarah Paulson play love interests and you know what? I agree with it, however, I don’t think this couple would fit in any of the shows the two of them have been in so I’ve decided to write my own story.  
> In my head, Jennifer is Jules and Sarah is Ella. Let’s see where this leads us.

**Joseph, OR, November 5th 2018.**

After years spent in San Francisco, Jules had felt the need to flee to quieter places. In 2009 after her life had taken a radical turn, she decided to move to Oregon, her home state, where she was born and raised. 

She had loved California, she thought she’d grow old there, her and her partner at the time shared this beautiful loft in SoMa, they had plans, a future ahead, a life to share. She was writing for different newspapers and media, mostly in the Bay, sometimes she’d have to leave for a few days and she’d do everything for her wife to go with her.  
They had been together for 6 years, Ella was younger, she was a lawyer, working at Harris’ DA office. They had managed to find a balance between their very different lifestyles. Perfectly balanced, but not stable, it was just that day, that one day and everything blew up in her face. In their faces. None of them had seen this coming, but it was too much to take for both of them. 

We were now 9 years later, Jules had moved on, forever impacted and broken by this brutal end of what she thought was her perfect life, she had been single ever since. Not that others had not tried to enter her very secretive world, but she had protected herself to the extent that she was living on her own, in this beautiful small cabin in the woods, miles away from the first neighbor. 

Her journal was her best friend, she had kept writing everyday since. Each of her emotions, her thoughts, were written down. Of that pain, those feelings, her evolution, had arisen her talent for poetry, she, like no one else, was able to create beauty with words. 

Over the years she had published hundreds of them under different names, the last thing she wanted was Ella to ever recognize her writing, to find out she was the one behind those feelings, those poems. She was writing about her life, herself, discoveries, her body, the marks left by the time on it, the nature around her. She was that kind of person, who would find beauty in everything, she would let herself be amazed. Beauty around her, in her words, but you could feel her vulnerability through them. 

When you’re able to shut yourself to other human beings, to every kind of relationship for that long, you begin to think that you are perfectly fine on your own. Jules knew herself more than ever before, she had discovered strength, power, peace of mind that she never thought she had. In that quiet place, on her own, on a daily basis, she’d feel perfectly fine, so comfortable. Daily hikes, the lake close by, nature all around she thought was all she needed. And it was actually all she needed. For most of her time, she was happy here, but there was those days, something, the slightest thing, a song on the radio, a word, an image, a smell would bring Ella back into her head, brain, heart and she could again feel this breach, the hole. The scar left on her body would hurt, it was like this was linked, her body would know where this scar was from, the memory attached to it and when she would just think of Ella, the scar would suddenly act up and go burning, hurting. 

Those days were rare enough for Jules to just live with it. 

Today was one of them, one of those days when getting out of bed was hard, nearly impossible and today was the first day since forever she had to get out of there. After years of keeping her anonymity, she had accepted to read one of her texts on a local radio, because it was a special day, and she had this piece about mental health that, kind of, had gone viral over the last few months and they had politely asked her to come read it on air. 

Among the few people she was talking to in this new life of her, there was Ilya, her one and only acolyte, they were working at that radio station and had convinced her that this was a good choice, so after a short discussion on the terms, she had accepted. 

Her piece in mind, Jules, still in bed, thought of reading it outloud, and clearly today she knew this could go badly. She wrote this piece in reference to the state her mind would go in those dark days, she knew the lines were a perfect reflection of what she was feeling right now. The alarm had been ringing for a few minutes now and she still couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes just now. The struggle through the day had started, it would be a long one. 

From her old life she had just kept that one object, the coffee machine, that would automatically brew your coffee as the alarm goes off, the smell of coffee gave her the extra motivation she needed to get out of bed. She grabbed her mug, and sat at her kitchen table, everything was fuzzy up there, in her head, sometimes when the anxiety would hit she’d feel the mess happening in her brain and pressuring against her frontal lobe. Looking into her dark drink she was trying to refocus, taking deep breaths. On her left was the paper, the original page she had written on that text she was about to read. She thought it would be a good thing to practice and try to read it entirely. 

Usually she wouldn’t do that, read that kind of piece on that kind of day, but as it was impossible to avoid today, she thought a bit of practice would help. 

**9:27am**

Ilya wrote to her: Hi stranger, picking you up in 10, I don’t want to be late today, it’s a big one for you. 

No one could understand how these two got along, Jules was famous around to be the hermite living in the wood, spending her days writing, while Ilya, was that luminous human being, too loud and messy who had made their life of a childhood dream, create a radio station where people would just tell stories all day long. Weirdly enough, this concept was working, mostly because of them and their personality. 

Jules didn’t consider that to be such a big day, of course she had never read any of her work like that on the radio, but first it was just a local one, so the audience would be limited, and she had agreed to read but not give her name, so it was still pretty anonymous and only the few people who knew her voice might be able to recognize her. 

But anyway, it had been planned for a while and as classic Ilya, they had been way too excited and optimistic about it and the impact it could have on their station. 

It was quarter to ten when Ilya showed up, as they were about to ring the bell, Jules showed up, messy bun and glasses on, under one of those huge scarves of hers. 

“You know you don’t have to hide that much, right? People don’t bite around here.

\- Shut up Il, I’m doing it for you, can you just be grateful. 

\- Uh is that a “scar-hurting” kind of days?

\- We could say so, can we go now?!”

Jules was particularly quiet on the road, the paper she was holding had been folded about a hundred times in the past ten minutes, and her left arm seemed contracted against her body, as if she was trying to ease the pain of the scar. 

“J, we are here, do you need a minute?

\- I need about an entire day, so let’s just get this done.”

All equipped in the studio, she was still holding on that piece of paper, even so she knew the text by heart. Speaking in public had never been an issue for her, when in San Francisco, her and Ella would engage in many actions and she had always been able to address audiences, however, reading that very personal text was different. 

Ilya introduced her,

“She is one of my favourite writers and probably one of yours, over the past years she has published a right amount of her poetry and work almost everywhere, under different names and as I have a great power of persuasion, I managed to convince her to read one of her pieces for us today. I could have gone easy on her and let her pick what she wanted but I am annoying, you know me, I requested a special piece, close to my heart. As she wants to remain anonymous, I’ll call her Ann for today, baby we are ready when you are”

Jules unfolded her journal page, on top you could read the title and she began to read. 

“When my brain awakens my scar, our scar…”

In the next twenty minutes, everything had gone silent in the studio, only her voice would resonate, reading those lines, her words on paper might have been impactful but it was nothing like hearing her pronouncing them. As she thought, reading it outloud was a very complex exercise, especially today. Her voice was soft, deep, warm, but you could hear in the distance, as much as she was trying to hide it, that it was breaking. You could hear the failure. 

Ilya’s eyes had gotten watery since the first sentence. That was the power of her words, and her voice on them. 

As Jules finished her reading, the silence lasted, it took a few minutes for people around to catch up with their emotions. 

“Love, I don’t think I’ll ever have words to thank you for that, I hope you know that your words impact people’s lives. It’s not just yours, I know you write them for you first but being so open and vulnerable about your feelings, you are actually describing a journey a lot of us go through and you are putting words on things we didn’t think we could, thank you” Stated Ilya to break the silence. 

Jules took a few minutes to herself before thanking them to have her here this morning. 

After that, she wouldn’t say but, the experience had drained her and she just wanted to get back home. 

People would usually get a taxi or someone to drive them from the radio's office to the woods, but she decided to walk all the way home, knowing the appeasing power of that on her. It would help clear her mind which was more than necessary before ending up home alone where she knew her emotions would probably hit her and get overwhelming by the end of the day. 

Her cell phone turned off, she had shut herself off from the world for the rest of this rainy november day. 

As every week, when they’d have a guest on the radio, Ilya would allow some time on air for people to react to what had been read, what started with a few locals expressing their admiration for this beautiful piece soon got quite bigger. After reading a few of those comments on the radio, their assistant told them to check what was happening on their instagram page. As long as they could remember, they never got these many feedbacks and soon couldn’t answer to all the people around the state who reacted to their post. 

“Our amazing guest left the studio too soon to hear all of your beautiful feedbacks, and knowing her, she will probably not read them but I am so glad you all feel like me on that. Hopefully I will convince her to come read for us again and we can have a longer chat with her then. Now please, allow me to go back to our routine, it’s 11:30 here and our beautiful Adam is here with me to review the book he has been reading lately…”

The day went on, Ilya was busy in the studio and aside from that last check on social media in the morning, they had no idea what was happening and neither had Jules. 

**7:08pm**

Ilya tried to ring Jules, the phone was off. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chicago, Il, November 6th 2018.

8:25pm

Ella was just leaving her office.

After she and Jules had broken up in 2009 she stayed a few years in San Francisco, because it was her town. She had everything there, her friends, her chosen family, and her dream job, she couldn’t think of anywhere else to live.   
However, she couldn’t keep the flat, she said it was a money issue, the truth was she couldn’t bear to live there on her own or with someone else other than Jules, this was their place. Everything here reminded her of her ex-wife. She had found a small flat on Valencia St. and for a while, she lived there but soon she realized that not only the flat had become unbearable, so had the city. Because of all the years, they had spent together there, memories were thrown at her face daily, on the streets, in shops, coffees… It was too much to handle and she decided she needed to take a break from it all. 

In 2012 she got a job offer in Chicago, in quite an impressive law firm and she decided to take it. Even though the job was way less exciting and the city was not what she dreamed of, she figured it would be a good way to finally move on.   
Because she knew so many people in California and San Francisco she had, over the years, convinced her firm that they could have an office there and she could bring them, new clients, that’s why, since 2017 she had been sharing her life between Illinois and California. 

Ella was never the kind of person who’d settle. She herself never expected to ever fall in love as she did with Jules and she never thought she’d have this kind of big love story ever in her life. She was grateful she had been lucky enough to know this kind of love but after the break up she promised herself she’d never get engaged with someone ever again.   
She was fine with having things here and there but settlement, moving in, routine and everything was not for her. And living in between two cities was a great excuse for her to live like that.   
In Chicago, at the moment, there was Alma, they had been seeing each other for a few months now, no strings, no promises, just dates, nights in, a fair amount of sex, and great conversations.   
Her loan there had come to term and she wasn’t sure how the situation with the firm was evolving, so at the moment she was just coming up north twice a month and would stay at Alma’s for the few days she was there. 

Alma was an artist and climate activist living in a huge flat that looked just like a big studio, after long days at the office, this place was for Ella like taking a deep breath. She loved this colorful environment and how excited and inspired Alma was. She knew this would never compare but she loved what she had right now. This kind of relationship was just perfect for her. For both of them. 

This night, after leaving the office she had stopped at the shop down the street to buy a bottle of red wine, she just wanted a night in with her lover, a bath, and a glass of wine.   
As she entered the flat Alma was there, in a corner of that enormous space, painting a new piece she had been working on for about a week.   
“Hi Al!   
A: Oh hi there, how was your boring day in your boring office?  
E: Can you not? I, for real, had a nightmare of a day, jeez I don’t know why I’m still coming all the way here, Chicago is so not my place. Can’t believe I’ve been stuck in this firm for almost ten years now.  
A: Ok wait, I’m just finishing some stuff here and we can chill, drink and talk for hours after that.”  
That was part of the deal and a part of their relationship Ella loved, she and Alma were not only an affair, they were friends first and sometimes it would just be like hanging out with a cool flatmate. 

Ella dropped her bag, took off her shoes and coat, and went to the bathroom. As she turned on the water to fill the bathtub, Alma entered with the bottle of wine and two glasses.  
“Now I’m yours, do you want to talk about it?   
E: It’s getting boring, not that I was super excited when I first started there but I don’t think I can anymore. I need more excitement in my life, I can’t believe I dumped my dream job because of a break-up. Like seriously why?...”  
She went on about it for about half an hour, at some point she went into the bathtub, Alma poured the wine, handed it to her. She was sitting next to it patiently listening. At some point, she put a hand on Ella’s hand.  
“I think you need time, I mean you need to think about what’s coming next for you. You’re more excited about my work than yours and I think it says a lot. You’re a brilliant lawyer, you’ve always loved your job in San Francisco, it’s your place, where you belong and I still don’t get how it’s been nine years and you still won’t allow yourself to move back there. Time has passed, you should go back and if you don’t think you can, I feel like there is something you need to clarify with all this period around your break up…”

Ella nodded, she knew Alma was right about that point “I know” she said.   
Suddenly Alma ran to the other side of the apartment. Yes, that was part of who she was, sometimes she’d do these weird things when something crosses her mind. Another thing Ella loved about her, how spontaneous she was. She came back with her phone in her hands.   
“I think there is something you might want to listen to!  
E: oh god, what now? As I know you I’m pretty sure this has nothing to do with what we just discussed  
A: For once, I think it does!   
Remember these texts/poems page on the internet I talked to you about? There is this woman, who writes so well, remember I told you about some of her pieces but you were always too lazy to read it?!  
E: Really Al, do you think I’m into poetry right now?   
A: Shh let me talk now! Ok so there's this woman, a few months ago she wrote that piece that kind of went viral about a past relationship that haunts her. And I’m not saying it’s necessarily your case but I don’t know, it deeply touched me so I thought when you feel like it, you could give it a try... “   
She looked at Ella, for once she looked interested. “Also I forgot to mention, the reason why I suddenly thought about it now was that she is usually quite discreet about her writing but she has accepted to go on a local radio to read that one piece, and again someone recorded it and it went viral, like crazy viral. Not that the piece wasn’t good just reading it but her voice, you’ve to hear it! If the topic wasn’t that serious I could literally have an orgasm just listening to her! You’ve got to hear it! And I have to warn you, you will end up crying when you do.  
E: Come on, you know me, I don’t have a heart remember, I know myself, it might be good, but she won’t make me cry”  
Ella still got interested in reading that piece, she asked Alma to send it to her to read later and told her to come to join her in that bathtub before the water got too cold.  
The two of them had a very enjoyable moment. When they hit the bottom of the bottle they decided it was time to get out of the bath. 

As she dried her hair Ella thought about that poem Alma just sent her, she opened the text and could just read the title of the article “The famously anonymous author read us her piece “Scar”” she knew this had probably nothing to do with physical scars, but just reading this she felt her stomach burning from the inside, she looked into the mirror and saw her scar, it had been nine years, and it would still hurt sometimes. 

Alma was back into the corner of her flat, working on her latest piece. Ella was used to that they were on two different schedules so she went to bed with her laptop, thinking she would work for a while and answer a few emails.   
Once there, she found herself unable to focus, the title of the piece still intrigued her and she decided she’d listen to it now because knowing herself she’d probably forget tomorrow and never read it.

As she opened the article, there was a short intro above the track to play the reading.   
“From this small local station in Oregon to the headlines, the writer might have never expected this to happen but as people react, it seems like her very personal piece actually speaks to thousands of people…”  
Ella thought to herself “why does she do that if she wants to remain anonymous, isn’t that the extreme opposite” she didn’t expect much from the text but as Alma had usually a great taste in things she thought it couldn’t be bad, maybe she just wouldn’t get the buzz around it.   
She pressed play.  
After the short intro of the radio announcer she heard that woman clear her throat, Ella had no idea what was coming. At her first words, she got this feeling, the voice, it was her. She knew. She paused. 

They had decided nine years ago to separate ways forever. That was one of the conditions. They couldn’t have done it if they somehow kept in touch. And all this time, she couldn’t say she had not wondered what Jules had become, but out of respect for her and their relationship, she never tried to find her after she knew she had left San Francisco. 

Her voice still had that effect on her, she couldn’t stop herself to press play again. No matter what this was, no matter how overwhelmed she’d get, she pressed play, knowing this could lead her to dark places.   
It took seconds for her body to react and be covered in goosebumps and for tears to start falling.


End file.
